[His brain is buzzing with the number of words he could say, trying not to blurt out the option that would make her think it's something she did wrong when it's him, all him, his own fault for responding and giving in, even if it was only for a moment. He let the lines blur a little too far and there's a part of him that hates himself for it - that will always hate himself for it, though that doesn't have everything to do with her.
(It doesn't matter that he's not the one initiating, it doesn't matter that she is older than he was, none of that matters because he's the adult, he's the one with the responsibility and the power and everything that claws at him says that he can't repeat the same cycle. He can't do to her what Kate did to him.
And he will. One way or another he will. Derek's just like Kate in the way that everything he touches turns to ash. Only difference is, he doesn't mean to - it's just the way it happens. He doesn't want to watch the world burn, but for some reason the smell of sulfur and ash is always going to follow him.)
He slips down against the wall slightly, scrubbing a hand over his face as he tries to breath through the way his chest tightens and find an answer for her because she deserves an answer. An answer that isn't a cop out (You're too young) or a lie (Because I don't want you) and it doesn't help that the cop out is true.]
I'm not good for anyone.
[Honest and to the point, and he won't let Abigail be another thing he lets burn. She won't be another set of blood on his hands, she won't be another death that sits on his shoulders. He thought he was moving on, building a better life and letting go, that he was worth something in the long run, and that there was something left after the cost of his failures, but maybe that's just as much a lie, but much more convincing because it was a lie he was telling to himself.]
no subject
[His brain is buzzing with the number of words he could say, trying not to blurt out the option that would make her think it's something she did wrong when it's him, all him, his own fault for responding and giving in, even if it was only for a moment. He let the lines blur a little too far and there's a part of him that hates himself for it - that will always hate himself for it, though that doesn't have everything to do with her.
(It doesn't matter that he's not the one initiating, it doesn't matter that she is older than he was, none of that matters because he's the adult, he's the one with the responsibility and the power and everything that claws at him says that he can't repeat the same cycle. He can't do to her what Kate did to him.
And he will. One way or another he will. Derek's just like Kate in the way that everything he touches turns to ash. Only difference is, he doesn't mean to - it's just the way it happens. He doesn't want to watch the world burn, but for some reason the smell of sulfur and ash is always going to follow him.)
He slips down against the wall slightly, scrubbing a hand over his face as he tries to breath through the way his chest tightens and find an answer for her because she deserves an answer. An answer that isn't a cop out (You're too young) or a lie (Because I don't want you) and it doesn't help that the cop out is true.]
I'm not good for anyone.
[Honest and to the point, and he won't let Abigail be another thing he lets burn. She won't be another set of blood on his hands, she won't be another death that sits on his shoulders. He thought he was moving on, building a better life and letting go, that he was worth something in the long run, and that there was something left after the cost of his failures, but maybe that's just as much a lie, but much more convincing because it was a lie he was telling to himself.]
I ... can't do to you what she did to me.